Warning: Intense Neurosis Inside

January 14, 2004, 3:46 p.m.
A little bit of background before I launch into this story: I have always been a little neurotic (or a lot neurotic, depending on who you ask) and I panic because, well, it’s one of those things I am very good at. Often, I panic about small, insignificant things, like whether I remembered to turn off the heat before leaving the house (I certainly don’t want to spend a penny more on our electric bill than I have to). I also panic about big things, like the 5-month period when J and I had no health care (as a Canadian used to a universal health care system that was a big deal to me). But sometimes I panic about the most ridiculous things – this is one of them.

Last night I was surfing the Internet and I came across another writer’s website. I checked out her portfolio and read a few of the articles she’d posted on-line. She has an incredible background, writing for top-notch publications, winning awards and accepting international fellowships. And, I started to panic.

I began worrying about whether my accomplishments would ever look as impressive, and whether my name would ever appear in some of the same high-profile publications. I was actually comparing myself to a writer with 25 YEARS of experience.

Instead of recalling all of the things I have accomplished since I started writing, I started making a list of all of the things I needed to do to get published in those high-profile magazines.

I’m certain every writer – every woman – has done this (at least that’s what I told myself to help the panic subside). Instead of focusing on what I have done, I gave in to thinking about what I haven’t done. It’s an ugly disease.